4 Ways to Gain Confidence When You Need It: Exploring Confidence Series, Part 4
Welcome back to the Exploring Confidence Series!
When you try to gain confidence, how do you do it?
In the fourth and final part of our Exploring Confidence mini-series, we will discuss why you need confidence and what we do to gain confidence when we don’t have it.
Series Review
In Part 1 we defined confidence as: the “quality of being certain of your abilities or of having trust in people, plans, or the future.” We discussed self-efficacy, where confidence comes from, and the fact that everyone needs it!
In Part 2 we expanded these ideas and discussed two important factors that create confidence: support from our network and taking risks & succeeding.
Confidence is made up of a combination of inner strength, willingness to be wrong, and the knowledge that you can get back up when you fall down.
Confidence matters because it creates a more positive mindset, allows for better interactions with others, and creates an easier path to success
In Part 3 we got into the details of four major reasons we lose confidence: lack of support network, harmful support network, confidence never fully developed, and bad/failed experiences.
When we lose confidence, we become afraid to make decisions, don’t take action on our big ideas, worry more, and feel resigned and/or stuck.
Why Do We Need Confidence?
If you’ve been following our series (yay!), you might remember from Part 1 that everyone needs confidence. It’s important!
Why is it so important, though? Confidence helps us:
Make Decisions When we are confident, we doubt ourselves less, and as a result, we are able to be more decisive. We don’t have to linger on the agonizing question of whether we made the “right” decision because we are sure of our knowledge and abilities.
Take Control of Our Lives When we are confident, we make decisions. Sometimes those are good, and sometimes maybe not so much. But, if we are scared and stuck in our comfort zone, we miss opportunities to really live rather than just survive each day. We are more likely to take a risk and get a reward. We might also take a risk and receive a negative consequence. Either way, our confidence allows us to be drivers in our own life rather than passengers.
Build Connections When we are confident, we network more effectively and build stronger connections with other individuals. Sometimes these are like-minded people who grow into friends or family. Sometimes they are opposites or compliments to our skills who grow into business partners. Our confidence makes us more willing to reach out or have necessary conversations that might normally make us uncomfortable.
Our confidence allows us to be drivers in our own life rather than passengers.
Succeed When we are confident, we can fail forward and grow. We build relationships, make decisions, and take control of our lives. These are keys of success! Trying, working hard, and knowing we can face any obstacle that comes our way. After all, everything is figureoutable (thanks for this gem, Marie Forleo!). We need this kind of confident and positive mindset to see real, long-lasting success.
How Do We Gain Confidence When We Don’t Have It?
It’s great when we have confidence, right? Because we do the things we love and know we need to do - and we win! Sometimes they are basic things, but we are still doing it!
But we are all humans here, and no one is immune to down days. And sometimes those down days can be really down.
I’m talking about days where everything is going wrong and no matter how many times you’ve done something you feel like you are failing (and not forward). Can you relate?
Can you relate?
What do we do in these situations?
Sometimes we give up, and you know what? A day or two where you surrender to the bad day isn’t necessarily a bad thing. They can be terrific growing moments (after the day is over, of course).
BUT, if you find that you don’t have confidence on a regular basis, you have some work to do! I am 100% sure that you are a capable person who has a lot to offer the world. I have no doubts. I’m not the one who needs convincing of that, though, because I already know. It’s you who needs to be convinced of your own awesomeness.
So when you are feeling low or scared, when your confidence is nowhere to be found, try these things. They’re sure to work, and excuse the language, but you’ll be your bad ass self again in no time! Or, maybe for the first time, if your confidence has been hiding for awhile.
Take a Breath & Affirm Yourself.
The very first thing you should do when you need confidence and don’t have it is to take a breath. Close your eyes and breathe in slowly. Clear your mind of everything else, especially your stressors and anxious feelings.
The very first thing you should do when you need confidence and don’t have it is to take a breath.
Take slow deep breaths for as long as it takes for you to clear your mind. The first few times you try this, it will be hard. Keep going! After you use this strategy a few times, you will notice it getting easier, and more calming.
Once you’re calm, open your eyes and reaffirm yourself. Speak out loud to yourself, and if you are in a place with a mirror, look at yourself while you are saying your affirmation(s).
Select a couple of short and powerful mantras that work for you. If you think you will forget, write them out or print them and carry them around with you.
If you are totally lost or thinking “What the heck should I say to myself?!”, I have created a printable list for you! Click the button below to get it now. Feel free to use it however is most helpful, whether that’s using the phrases as they are or using them as inspiration for your own!
Get My Affirmations!
Let Yourself Have Down Days.
Not every day will be a great one, and that’s okay. Part of what allows us to really appreciate joyful times are those bad days that seem like they’ll never end. It’s okay every now and then to just embrace the fact that you’re having a down day.
The key being every now and then. If you find yourself in a holding pattern where you have a bad day every few days or every week, take some time to analyze what’s making the day so bad. Is it a major part of your life that’s causing an issue? These kinds of things might include work or relationships.
Figuring out what’s causing your down days is instrumental in having less of them.
If it’s not major things, what kinds of minor things are causing an issue? Bad habit? Something health related that’s manageable but annoying?
Figuring out what’s causing your down days is instrumental in having less of them. Not to mention, they can sometimes feel less bad when you realize what’s causing them.
Replace Your Idea of Failure.
Failure as a concept is kind of useless, when you think about it.
The dictionary defines failure as a “lack of success in doing something.”
What exactly are we supposed to do with that?
Nothing!
All failure tells us is that we didn’t do something well or achieve our expected outcome. Not to mention it feels downright bad when we say “I failed.” We trap ourselves into thinking that because we didn’t succeed, we won’t succeed - which absolutely isn’t true!
We need to reprogram our brains to think, “How can I do/be better next time?” rather than “I am a failure.”
What we need isn’t necessarily an idea of “failing,” but an idea of growth when we don’t succeed. We need to reprogram our brains to think, “How can I do/be better next time?” rather than “I am a failure.”
Questioning ourselves is critical to growth. There will almost always be a “next time,” so our goal shouldn’t be to dwell on the fact that we did something wrong, but how to do/be better when our next time comes.
Out of all the steps to take to grow your confidence, or get it back, this is the hardest one. It’s so hard to go against the grain of what feels natural and comfortable, but believe me, it’s worth it. Your confidence will thank you, and whatever “failure” you’re facing next time will feel like a speed bump instead of a wall!
Do What Scares You.
Take a moment and think about what your life would be like if you did all the things you were scared to do. Are you dreaming of an awesome life?! What if I told you that you could have that life? That doing the things that scare you will literally change your life?
Doing the things that scare you is a game-changer.
Doing the things that scare you is a game-changer. You don’t have to just take my word for it, either. There are 4 things you can start doing TODAY to start working toward your awesome life. If you’re interested in a more in-depth look at doing things that scare you, I wrote a whole blog about it (it’s one of my very favorites!). You can find that here, if you’re interested.
Step 1: Make a Plan You have a vision for your awesome, confident life. That’s great! Now you need to know how to get there. Write down the big steps you have to take. Then, write down how to get to each big step. Don’t take action just yet, but keep your list handy.
Step 2: Take Small Steps Your first steps into doing scary things should probably be small. You don’t want to get so overwhelmed that you give up before you really get going! Look at the smaller things on your list - do you need to network with people to get a new position? Try adding the individual on LinkedIn.
Step 3: Take Secret Steps This part is important! We often love sharing our new ventures, especially with friends and family. While this is great, and can lead to a strong support network, I want you to take some steps just for you.
Revel in what you find out and accomplish that no one in the world knows about except you. Because when no one else knows, and you feel that surge of confidence, you will know it’s coming from you and your actions alone.
Take some steps just for you.
For instance, if you decide to research something you’ve always wanted to do, even if it’s without intention of making a decision by yourself, it’s important for you to know that you’ve taken the initiative on your own. No one prompted you, and you’re not beholden to anyone to provide updates. It’s purely an act of confidence to be able to say “I did this work, and now I know how I can make this happen.”
Step 4: Use the 10 Seconds of Courage Rule This tool is especially great if you’re struggling with confidence around other people. The idea is that you take 10 seconds and do something that scares the bejeebers out of you and you convince yourself you can do it because it’s only 10 seconds.
Want to ask a new romantic interest out to dinner but don’t know how? Take 10 seconds of courage to type out a text and hit the send button. It doesn’t have to be fancy, and you won’t have time to overthink. Just do the thing. You’ll be surprised by how confident you feel once you’ve done it!
Even if that person says no for some reason, you can use the 10 seconds of courage rule to do almost anything. Heck, that’s how my now-husband and I began our relationship! I took 10 seconds of (insane) courage and asked about it! It sparked the convo and here we are 8 years later.
It’s also how I negotiated benefits at my job. This really works, folks. And once you get the hang of it, it’s exhilarating!
This really works, folks. And once you get the hang of it, it’s exhilarating!
All of these steps are tried and true - I use all of them in my everyday life, and I know I’m not the only one. Not having confidence can be brutal, and no one should have to feel like they’re surviving their life instead of living it.
Be kind to yourself as you’re learning and growing your confidence! For some people these steps might seem easy, but for others they will be incredibly hard. Either way, you’ve got this.
Did you use the steps? How did they work for you? I’d love to hear about your journey! Drop a comment below or send me an email at rachel@capturingyourconfidence.com.