Do the Thing that Scares You
We’re all scared of something. Personally, one of my biggest fears is bees. There’s nothing really wrong with the buzzy little creatures, but I was attacked by a swarm when I was younger and ever since anything that remotely looks like a bee freaks me out.
Besides these small fears, though, I do have some bigger fears looming that can sometimes seem insurmountable. Will we ever pay off our student loans? What will happen when we have kids?
Thinking on this bigger scale, what are your fears? The future? Your career (or lack thereof, perhaps)? Serious relationships? Take a moment and just think about it - just the big ones (you don’t have to tell anyone you’re afraid of sleeping with your feet out of the blanket even though you’re an adult). What scares the daylights out of you? Go ahead and make a list while you’re thinking about it.
Now, what excites you?
Now, what excites you? That sweet date night coming up? Working your way into a job you enjoy? Spending time with your family? Take another moment here and consider what makes you excited to get up in the morning. Again, think of the big things. The fact you’re having pancakes for breakfast is exciting, but maybe not quite the stuff of big dreams. (Unless you dream of creating a lifestyle where you have time to have a luxurious pancake breakfast every morning at home in your PJs.) Make another list. They can be on the same piece of paper, or separate. Thinker’s choice.
Looking at your two lists, what overlaps?
Looking at your two lists, what overlaps? Does anything you listed as a fear make you a little excited, even though it might make your stomach drop, too? What about the things that excite you? Do those big dreams make you a little afraid, too, even though they would be awesome?
They probably do! Fear and excitement are both excellent motivators, although they work in different ways.
When you’re afraid of something, you might hedge around it or try to avoid it altogether. But, when you’re excited, you take a breath and lean in to the excitement. Even if it’s difficult or inconvenient, you try extra hard for things that excite you because you want them. Somewhere along the line you decided the excitement was more important than the hard stuff.
Of course, it’s one thing to be excited and run toward our dreams, but it’s quite another to face our fears and overcome them.
Hard truth, though. If you’re dreams don’t scare you at least a little bit, they’re not big enough.
I’m definitely not the first person to think of or believe this, and I won’t be the last. It might even be a cliche. But, it’s true. I was taking a webinar the other day with the fabulous Marie Forleo, and she reminded me how important this statement is. How much of a difference it can make in our lives.
Hear me out.
If you can turn fear into motivation to get to the things that excite you most, you will be a force to be reckoned with. You will turn yourself into an unstoppable dream-getter.
If you can turn fear into motivation to get to the things that excite you most, you will be a force to be reckoned with. You will turn yourself into an unstoppable dream-getter.
So why aren’t we all unstoppable dream-getters?
We haven’t figured out what we are afraid of.
We know what we are afraid of and we avoid it.
We think we can figure out workarounds for our fears instead of dealing with them head on.
We let the fear run our lives and convince ourselves we’re okay with it.
We want to be dream-getters but we don’t know how.
Which of these categories resonates with you? Which have you done or do you actively do that you hate admitting to yourself, even though it’s true?
It’s okay.
If you need to read that again, please take the time.
It’s okay to be afraid and it’s okay that it’s not easy for you to admit, even to yourself, that you’re scared of one of your biggest dreams - let alone to tell someone else.
It’s okay that you’re a work in progress, because the reality is we are all works in progress.
Let me share something with you. If you’ve read some of my other blogs about the beginning of my novel writing journey, this will probably sound familiar, but if you’re brand new and you’re wondering who the heck I am, let me tell you.
I am a writer. I am a novelist. I am a teacher. I am a learner. And I have always loved helping others.
I am a writer. I am a novelist. I am a teacher. I am a learner. And I have always loved helping others.
But it took me almost a decade to be able to call myself a writer and really believe it. Seriously. When I was young I wrote prolifically! So much. ALL THE TIME. I went away to college as a Creative Writing major, I was so committed.
During my very first creative writing class, where I was the only freshman among juniors and seniors, the professor gave me some “blunt” comments, shall we say. There were other comments, I’m sure, but “Not Impressed” was the only piece that stuck. It crushed my little 18 year old heart.
Because of that experience, I stopped writing creatively for SEVEN YEARS. I was afraid to disagree with someone who is an “authority” on writing. I was afraid of other people disliking my writing. I was afraid of not being good enough.
I was afraid to try again because I was sure I was going to get knocked down again, and I didn’t know how to deal with that.
So I changed my major to Literature and kept writing: essays and research. I loved writing about other people’s writing, and that became the new normal. Over the years I convinced myself I wasn’t creative enough for creative writing. It wasn’t really for me, and I had just grown out of it. I let myself think this way, and did so on purpose.
BULL.
That’s right. I was purposely telling myself this bull crap because I was afraid of my writing dream. Even though it had been my dream for my entire life. Crazy, right? But what’s a girl to do? Give up because of one bad experience?
HECK NO!
If you’re feeling this way, and you’re tired of letting that fear stop you from doing things you love, here’s what you need to do.
Step 1: Admit You Are Afraid and Define What You’re Afraid Of
You can’t solve anything if you can’t admit there’s a problem. The very first thing you need to do is acknowledge to yourself that you are afraid of something. You don’t have to tell anyone else if you’re not comfortable. And you don’t even have to write it down. But you have to know, in your own mind, that there is a fear and what it is. Out of all the ways you face your fear, admitting it will most likely be the hardest part.
Step 2: Figure out Why You Are Afraid
Once you have admitted to yourself that you’re afraid of something and determined what it is, you need to figure out why.
What is it that scares you about this particular dream/experience/goal?
What is it that scares you about this particular dream/experience/goal? Was there some sort of event in your life that caused you to put the breaks on something that previously made you happy? Did you go through a phase where your interests changed and you didn’t really know what was happening? Take time and really dig deep for the “why” - it’s important.
Step 3: Figure Out the Edges of Your Comfort Zone
You’re getting there! You know what you’re afraid of and you’ve determined why you’re afraid of it. Now you’re looking directly at your fear, and it might be uncomfortable. Good work. Keep going! Don’t turn back now. I know it’s scary, but now that you have a little better picture of what you’re afraid of, you need to figure out where the edge of your comfort zone lives.
How have you been talking about or working around this fear? What’s comfortable? Sneak out to the edge and push that a little further. What is slightly uncomfortable? What makes you a little uneasy? Not panicked or tense, but just a little...out of your comfort zone?
Press this a little bit in all directions. See how far you can go without going into panic or shutdown mode. If you will remember where these boundaries are, you don’t need to write them down; but, if you’re like me and think you might forget, go ahead and define them on a piece of paper.
Step 4: Determine One Small First Step to Face Your Fear
You’ve figured out the very edges of your comfort zone, and that’s great. If you need to take a break, feel free! We can’t always face our fear in one day, sometimes they are just too big. But, when you’re ready, you need to step back out to the edge of your comfort zone. That place where you feel okay, but a little uneasy. If you wrote down your boundaries from Step 3, this is a good time to pull that out and take a look.
Look at those boundaries and determine one small thing you can do to face your fear.
You’re going to look at those boundaries and determine one small thing you can do to face your fear. Notice I said small. This doesn’t mean go running out into the wild beyond your comfort zone with reckless abandon. On the contrary, look at your fear and your comfort zone and decide on one action you can take in the immediate future to start facing this fear.
For me, this step came in the form of actually putting my writing onto a document and not erasing it. It wasn’t a big step, but it was a step. What can you do that might make you a little uneasy at first, but will be one small step toward your big scary dream?
Step 5: Set Goals for Your Dream
Whew, take a breath! Whether you’ve taken your first small step or not, you’ve set yourself on a completely different path than when we started here. You’ve made a concrete decision about your fear and you’ve decided to tackle it. Perhaps you’ve even done taken that first step, which is amazing!
After you’ve taken the first small step, take a moment and look at your mindset. Look at your concrete step and where you’ve come so far. Has your fear started to look a little less scary and a little more like a dream? If it hasn’t happened yet, that will come (probably sooner than you think). Once you’ve taken your first action, you need to sit down and set up regular, achievable goals for yourself to kick that fear out of your mind and achieve your dream.
You can add some bigger goals into the mix, but really think about everyday tasks you know you can complete. For me, the bigger goal will be to get my novel published. But that translates into smaller goals such as writing a new section every week, getting regular feedback on new sections, and taking time to map out where my novel is going.
Notice that none of these things are terribly long and cumbersome. I don’t set a page limit or a word count to reach because I know this will be a deterrent and I will constantly feel bad about my progress if I miss them (which is silly because everything I do that didn’t exist before is progress!)
Step 6: Name Your Dream and Own It
So you’ve got goals in place? Some reachable, tangible steps you can take toward facing your fear and getting to that big dream? Good job! This stuff is hard work. You’re almost there! This next step might seem easy, but it’s definitely powerful.
You need to name your dream. Call it what it is. When I started my novel in April after my long hiatus, I was literally calling it a “thing” - a little “writing thing” I was working on. Not a project, and certainly not a book. It took weeks and progress of taking those small steps before I was able to say out loud to myself that I was writing a book. I gave it a name. This was very scary!
When you own your dream, it becomes tangible. It’s not just a nebulous idea, but a goal.
Once you’ve named your dream, you need to own it. Owning it might come with the naming or a little while later. But, when you own your dream, it becomes tangible. It’s not just a nebulous idea, but a goal.
About a week or two after I first called my writing a book, I got up the courage to tell a friend I was working on a novel. It didn’t happen overnight, but once I was able to name it, my dream became a solidified reality. Not just a book, but a novel: my novel.
Step 7: Work Toward Your Dream
Congratulations! You’ve gotten to the point where you’ve named your dream and started owning it. Is your fear still looming? Or has it receded to the background?
You have your dream and your plan (and maybe a little bit of nervous energy leftover from that big scary fear). Your job now is to go and work on those goals. Use the remnants of your fear to fuel your motivation. You can do it! After all, you’ve gotten this far, right?
Keep chipping away at your goals, even when you don’t feel like it or it feels impossible. It’s okay to feel that way sometimes, but don’t let it take you back to where you started. Everything you do toward your goals and dreams is progress. No one is perfect, and you don’t need to be! You just need to keep working hard and making an effort.
Step 8: Reflect
When you achieve your goals, small or large, make sure to leave time to reflect not only on how you feel about your accomplishment, but also how far you’ve come. You can write your thoughts down, jot notes, or just contemplate. Personally, I like keeping my thoughts in writing, but if that’s not you, don’t feel pressured to do so!
You are powerful. You are an unstoppable dream-getter who doesn’t let fear hold you back.
This final step is about recognizing to yourself, and others if you want, that you are powerful. You are an unstoppable dream-getter who doesn’t let fear hold you back.
Whenever you feel like your fear is too much or you find yourself avoiding things because you’re scared of them, take a breath and do it anyway. It may take longer than a day or two - heck, it might even take a really long time! But do the thing that scares you. You and your dreams are worth facing the fear.
What fears are holding you back? What small steps do you think you can take to face them? Email me at rachel@capturingyourconfidence.com or leave a comment below and let me know! If you’re struggling with this, shoot me an email and let’s talk about it.